Menagerie
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: "One dog, two cats, a rabbit, a gerbil, a stick insect, 12 tropical fish, an iguana and a snake. The snake is new, Ella got him for her birthday last month he's called Malcolm."


**Menagerie **

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **None

**Pairing:-** Nicola/Ollie

**Rating:- **M

**Achieve:- ** **http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/**

**Summary:- **"One dog, two cats, a rabbit, a gerbil, a stick insect, 12 tropical fish, an iguana and a snake. The snake is new, Ella got him for her birthday last month he's called Malcolm."

**Author's Note:- **In answer to the "Pets" Challenge. Rated really for language and discussion of sex so as they say on TV "This story contains strong language and adult themes" if this isn't your thing turn back now! Otherwise enjoy and reviews would be delightful!

"Jesus Nicola you said you were nipping out for a couple of bits of shopping not buying out the contents of every shop you hit between here and oxford street!" Ollie grumbled as the lift doors opened and he saw her standing in the DoSAC entrance hall surrounded by bags. When she'd called from down stairs and asked him to come and take the bags up in the lift for her because they were too heavy to carry up the stairs he's assumed she had a couple of carrier bags. Now though he could see he couldn't have been more wrong and was starting to wish he'd sent Glen instead.

"I had to stock up stop fucking moaning and just take them up in the lift for me I'll meet you up there and help carry them to my office. I did ask Elvis to help me get them up stairs but he's got to go pick Malcolm up or something so you're it." Nicola sighed setting two of the bags inside the lift making sure not to get close enough that there was even a chance the doors might close and she'd be trapped inside. After the morning she'd had the last thing she needed was to end up hyperventilating in the lift when she had a feeling the reason Elvis had gone to pick up Malcolm was that he was heading their direction for his traditional twice weekly bollocking over something half times they didn't even fucking know they'd done.

"Fine but someone else can bring them back down when you're going home." Ollie replied the petulant sulkiness to her tone making her laugh as she ignored him and headed for the stairs. She knew they all found it frustrating that she refused to use the lift and insisted on climbing the 3 flights of stairs to the office but they'd never seen her when she was in that confined a space and she was confident if they did they'd do whatever they could to make sure she wasn't in it again. Not only that but for all his grumbling and acting like a fucking teenager she knew Ollie didn't mind, keeping up the appearance of irritating each other was something they had become practiced at since after a slightly drunken fumble in an empty conference room at the Christmas party they had fallen into a rather exciting if purely physical relationship. She'd always thought the idea of having a "fuck buddy" was ridiculous, the stuff of novels and the lives of bored house wives but lately she'd been enlightened to the advantages of it. It wasn't like she and James could even stand the sight of each other these days, theirs had very much become a marriage of convenience as it was too fucking inconvenient to get divorced so they didn't bother. He'd long ago giving up being faithful to her so she'd found it impossible to feel guilty when she decided to do the same.

"I'll take these three you lift the two heavy ones." She smiled when she reached the top of the stairs to find Ollie standing outside the lift the five bags collected around his feet.

"Is there something you want to tell us?" He asked his eyes narrowing a little as they reached her office and he set the bags in the corner glancing into them as if to confirm what his detailed root around while in the lift had shown him.

"Ollie we really don't have time for fucking stupid questions today you want to make that one a little less obtuse so I can get to the bit where I tell you to mind your own fucking business and we get on with the rest of the day?" She sighed sinking into the chair behind her desk as he started opening the bags and looking more closely inside.

"Well let's see, we've got cat litter, dog food, gerbil food, rabbit worming tablets, dried crickets, frozen one day old mice, saw dust…I could go on but you get my drift, are you thinking of opening a fucking zoo or something?"

"What? I told you I had to stock up I spend so much time in this fucking building these days that it's not easy to get to pets at home on a weekly basis so when I get 10 minutes I have to get everything we need." Nicola replied not really understanding what his problem was.

"Yeah I get that part but what the hell is with all the stuff? I mean a dog or a cat or something yeah but frozen mice and crickets not to mention…" Ollie continued lifting out a small bottle from one of the bags and reading the label. "Complete reptile vitamin supplement"

"I have children Ollie, my children have pets."

"You have pets? Fuck Nicola you can just about cope with us and we're a group of fully grown adults…."

"That's fucking debatable."

"Ha, ha you're a loss to the world of comedy but you how the hell do you cope with four kids and how many animals?"

"One dog, two cats, a rabbit, a gerbil, a stick insect, 12 tropical fish, an iguana and a snake. The snake is new, Ella got him for her birthday last month he's called Malcolm." Nicola smiled feeling slightly triumphant as his shocked expression turned to one of utter amusement.

"Ella named her snake Malcolm?" Ollie asked leaning over the desk and lowering his voice. "Or did you name her snake Malcolm?"

"Nope it was all her." She smiled "Since he came to the cabinet family Christmas party and was his usual charming self, attempting to ruin everyone's afternoon he's not her favourite person she informed me that since he was not a very nice man she thought it was a good name for the snake I found it hard to disagree with her!"

"I still can't believe you have a house full of pets."

"Yeah well my kids may have been raised by child care professionals most of their life but they've never wanted for anything and these days we seem to be adding a new pet every six month since Ella decided she wants to be a vet."

"So you're not there but half the fucking pet shop is?" Ollie laughed "Have you ever heard of over compensating?"

"Yeah." Nicola nodded "Malcolm says that's why you keep your hair so long because you're over compensating for the fact your cock is so short!"

"Oh that was a low blow." Ollie replied glancing around to see if they were being observed before lowering his voice as he leaned further over the table. "I've certainly never heard you complaining about the size of my cock just the opposite in fact it seems to satisfy you pretty well."

"Yeah maybe I should tell Malcolm that next time." Nicola smiled enjoying the teasing edge to his glance as she let her eyes run the length of his body pausing for the second at his crotch before making their way back up. "You're right I think…."

"Where the fuck is she?" The sound of Malcolm's raised voice immediately snapped them both out of the moment as she heard Glen mumble that she was in her office before they jumped further apart as the door flew open. "Have you any fuckin' idea how much of a fuckin' ass hole that waste of fucking skin you're married to is?"

"I'd say I'm more aware of that than most." Nicola sighed wondering what disaster James was about to bring down on her head this time as Ollie stepped back glancing into the bag and lifting out one of the bags of frozen mice holding it up.

"Malc have you ever eaten mouse?" He asked watching as Nicola bit her lip in an effort not to laugh as the angry Scotchman spun on his heels and stared at him.

"What the fuck are you fucking talking about and what in the name of fucking god are those?"

"Frozen mice, food for Ella's snake." She said quietly her eyes widening as Ollie dropped the bag back into the shopping bag and headed for the door.

"Yeah Ella got a snake for her birthday last month apparently and you made such an impression on her at Christmas she named it after you, I was wondering if the name was where the similarity ended." He laughed throwing Nicola a playful wink as Malcolm turned back to her shock evident in his eyes and she knew the day was about to get an awful lot worse and vowed that the second the office was empty she would make Ollie pay for divulging that particular piece of information and make sure she enjoyed herself while doing it.


End file.
